Two

I used to think that 2 was a small number. Two days didn't seem long to wait, two pieces of candy didn't seem like much, and $2 wasn't worth fretting over (though I do), but then I had two kids and suddenly 2 become a huge number. Please don't mistake what I am saying, I love my boys, and I couldn't imagine even one minute without both of them, but sometimes I think "wow! two is a lot of kids!" Two is a lot of kids when they are both under 3 (maybe when they are older too, but I'm not that far). They aren't big enough to be independent, though we are working on it, they aren't big enough to emotionally distance themselves from us, and they are at the age where when they want/need something they want/need it IMMEDIATELY.

I listened to an episode of this This American Life (#521 Bad Baby) where a researcher said something to the effect that criminals are basically children that never grew up and learned to function in the adult world. He also said that the only reason any of us survive the terrible twos is that toddlers aren't strong enough to kill with their bare hands or use a lethal weapon- i laughed out loud at that part. But thinking about the criminal part opened my eyes a bit, these two sweet boys don't know how to control their impulses yet, we are learning, but it's a process, and that makes two a huge number.

My friend Holly wrote something on her blog the other day that made me smile, laugh, and sigh in a way that says "I'm so tired and that's so true" (she has 6 kids and is so patient, such a good example of  a wonderful mother), but she said that she felt like a "child magnet" when one child gets off another attaches- this is my life, but I need to add something about crying because when one stops the other starts. I'm sure in a few years I will miss these cuddly boys, and I'm even more sure that in 20 years when they are thinking about getting married I will miss these days and want them back, but for now 2 kids is a lot of kids.

As I was listening (or trying to listen) to General Conference this past weekend, I was reminded that while there are moments that are overwhelming, exhausting, and frustrating this time with these sweet boys is a blessing. And that while many days I feel like I'm failing as a mother, I am supposed to be their mom. Heavenly Father doesn't make mistakes, He is mindful of us- our shortcomings and our talents (however hidden), He sees the big picture, and he knows why I needed these boys and why they needed me. This thought is comforting during those moments when I think to myself "haha you thought you could handle two kids, best of luck with that one." My sister-in-law asked if we planned to have 5 kids, we don't, but life has a funny way of giving you what you need, rather than what you think you need- for now we will stick with the two and I will try to remember the days when 2 didn't seem like such a big number.