In the Thick of It

By Ashley -
I hear from older moms that some day I am going to miss these days. I have to take their word for it because there's a part of me that just doesn't believe them. Don't get me wrong I love my life, but as for missing it, well... yeah there are things I won't miss. I won't miss the fun of dragging three kids 5 and under through the grocery store, or potty training, or screaming at bedtime, or the constant fight we have about keeping the sand outside. I think that in 20 years I'll miss that they liked me, though as Michael will be 25 there's a chance he might like me by then. I think I might miss that they needed me, because in 20 years they just flat out won't need me. But I do think if one more grandmother tells me I'm going to miss these days I'm going to turn around and say "What part? the part where I haven't slept through the night in 5 years, the part where all my clothes are ruined by children, where I find legos in my bed and I haven't played with legos in decades, the part where when I go anywhere alone including the bathroom I am convinced I lost someone, or the part where I find myself yelling because no one ever listens to me!". Ok that sounds bad but sometimes I want to tell these people that I probably won't miss these days, I love every stage my kids have been in, and I think they get more fun (and challenging) as they get older. I won't miss the little days because we are going to be on to something else, and what good will missing these days do? So for now I think I will try and savor the moments, not all of them because some are truly awful (like when Zach pooped on the floor the other day, or how Grace screams in the car), but some are awesome- like reading Harry Potter with Michael and being with him as we unfold a story that was such a big part of my childhood, or when Grace smiles just cause you look at her, or when Zach says "Mama you love me?". I dont want to pine for these days, I want to cherish them now, and then enjoy their big kid days, so I'm working on it. I'm working on finding one great moment each day with each of them. I remind myself that the culmination of moments will be good but the individual moments might not always be, but that every day I can find one good one and it's working. It's working to see that life is good and messy, and loud and crazy, and chaotic, and that's ok, it's ok that things are out of control, and it's ok that I want them to get bigger. It's ok that I'm failing daily, and it's ok that they aren't having a perfect childhood... it's just ok.

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