I Need a Break

So lately I've found myself thinking that there's the slight possibility I either need a break or to give something up. For the purpose of journaling here are some recent frustrations. I do love my kids dearly, and love being their mom, but it's also really hard, so when they're 30 and gone and I am reminiscing about the good old days I want to remember that those days as they actually were.

Clearly, I've recently given up on cleaning and being a nice mom but I am hoping for something else, you know something a bit more sustainable. Today I found myself at HEB at 840 am with a sick baby and a "sick" preschooler. He missed school for the third day in a row. To be honest I was really looking forward to this preschool day. Zach is awesome, but I was really looking forward to a few hours that could move on my timetable where I could blow through a few things. None of that happened. Since I'd put off the grocery store... well for awhile in an attempt not to take them, and he hasn't been to school since last Tuesday we had to go. We also had to hop across the street to walmart for a few items (most of which were not purchased in my attempt to hurry but somehow we still spent $50), and go to costco because well... we needed stuff there too. My plan was to drop Zach off at school and go with Grace. Not run through the stores, but move fairly quickly and calmly. Grace is a great shopping buddy. She sits in her pack, chats, looks around, and naps. There's rarely any screaming, crying, grabbing, really anything. Since she loves to be held this is a win win for everyone. So Zach didn't go to school because he has a terrible cough, and while I dont think he is contagious I didn't want to have to pick him up because that is even more annoying than a kid staying home. So we got in the car, we buckled, everyone that can walk had shoes, and we made it to HEB. Zach insisted that Grace sit in the cart with him, why I agreed to that when she was tired (from not sleeping), grumpy (again with the not sleeping), and sick I have no idea, but I did. Mistake number one. She screamed, she was covered in snot, he kept trying to "pinch her face off". About 3 minutes into the store he had to pee... I told him he would have to wait. We eventually made it to the bathroom and one was closed and the other was occupied. I was pretty ticked and told him (in an angry voice) "this is why I told you to go at home! Don't lie about going potty!", yep you can see how this was going to turn out. So we keep shopping and about 2 minutes later he says "Mom I threw up!" He said it very calmly so I didnt believe him, but I looked and he did... all over himself, the basket, and his sister. It was lovely. We got our one last item, paid, and went to the car to clean up. Luckily it was about 45 degrees outside as I'm stripping my barf covered kids down so they're screaming, but hey it was about 9am so the store and parking lot were pretty empty. I found the emergency clothes (thank heavens for small miracles) and dressed them, turns out I packed Zach's last summer so they were small and... summer clothes, but he had an extra sweatshirt so he lived.

We then proceed to the next store, because at this point a little bit of vomit is not going to deter us, we have left the house and started the mission, we are going to finish. I dont know if this is true of all children but mine speak in a volume that is just so incredibly loud... always. They dont understand whispering, they also dont listen to me pretty much ever, so halfway through our disastrous walmart expedition I told Zach not to talk. This was pretty harsh, maybe I should have found a nicer compromise, but yes, it was a mothering fail. This made him scream (so we were two for two!). We did self checkout in an effort to avoid talking to more people. Made it through costco without much incident and then home again.

When we just had Michael I remember there being hard days, but not every single day. There was definitely sleep deprivation and a degree of frustration, but now it is different. I think when Michael as little the frustration was there but was easily pushed aside because there was just one... now.... I am so frustrated all the time. Every simple thing is difficult. Getting groceries at the store is a fight, heck getting our shoes on is a fight. It seems like everything is met with opposition- for NO FREAKING REASON! I think our kids are especially poorly behaved, though we have attempted to teach them correct things. I see other kids at the store and just think, why do the hellians, live with me, why can't they just behave!? I feel bad for Grace and Zach, they never had a nice mom, just a tired and stressed mom that yells. And the mess, oh I hate mess to begin with but it is ALWAYS messy. Everything is always messy, it's a losing battle all the time. I want to say I am going to let it go, but I'm not. I hate mess, it makes me so angry. Granted a bit of mess and chaos is fine and expected, but just dirtiness... I hate this. I wish I could make my kids understand how easy it would be to pick up their crap and how much happier we could all be if they didnt leave their stuff strewn about the house.

Because I can't make them understand (or listen to me) something has to change, I think I've decided to cut back on my work hours (which will be sad but necessary), and to give up  a few other things. It's sad but at the end of the day I want them to have a nice(r) mom, and something's gotta give. And they won't be little and yelling forever... I hope.