Mommy Wars and a Book Review
I have heard the term "Mommy Wars" for quite some time now, but until about a year ago had very limited experience with it myself. I don't know it was the place we moved to or the fact that my child(ren) were getting bigger, but all of a sudden the Mommy Wars became a real, and very scary thing.
For those lucky souls unfamiliar with this term let me offer a brief explanation. The Mommy Wars are basically an unspoken competition between mothers. The beginning of a recent Similac video says it all
Mothers compete over everything, breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, preschools, sleep, everything. To the point that going to the park at times seems more like a fight to the death than a relaxing morning outside with the kids. With the competition comes a certain degree of judging. You can't talk to Sally because she feeds her kids high fructose corn syrup, and forget letting your kids play with Tina's kids they don't go to the right preschool. I wish I were kidding, but I have actually overheard these conversations. And to be honest they are a little bit heartbreaking. Here were are all trying to raise happy and healthy kids and instead of working together (remember how it takes a village) we are judging one another based on preschool, discipline, and food choices. Keeping your distance from the Mommy Wars is just... well freeing. That is the best way I can describe it. You may initially be an outcast, but it is 100% worth it.
Along those same lines I recently listened to the book Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman. I heard the review on NPR a few years ago and when it showed up at our library I snatched my chance to hear it. I will say that some books are better read than listened to, this one is a must listen if you get the chance. The narrators tone perfectly describes some of the more painful moments of motherhood. The book compares and contrasts french and american parenting, specifically the experience of middle to upper middle class mothers in both countries. It was a fascinating read.
Druckerman, an American mother living in Paris, notices that there is a difference in behavior between french and american children, and more than that, there is a difference between the way that french and american parents parent.
As part of this discussion she delves into the Mommy Wars. She explains that for American parents life is a competition. Parents want to make sure that their child has every advantage available to them, and one of the ways they do this is by competing with others. American parents worry about "stimulation" and academic success long before French parents do. As I was listening I was having painful recollections of my own experience as an american mother. Allow me to share just a few (of many). Last year, we started looking for a preschool for Michael, and I started asking around. It turns out almost every child I knew was enrolled in some type of formal preschool. Until a year ago I was pretty against preschool, but then, well let's just say preschool saved my sanity and my relationship with my child. So I started asking, and not only were the prices astronomical but the claims parents and school administrators were making were just outlandish. Some claimed that the child would learn a second language, be reading at a 1st grade level, etc. And people seemed to not only pay for this, but expect that it would come true. Parents in the park claimed that after a few months little Timmy was on his way to cure cancer (not really, but little Timmy was a genius). Parents with kids going to academically rigorous schools (seriously it's preschool, half the kids are in diapers) claimed that other children were behind based on their parent's preschool choice. There were waiting lists for these places... yes. And the best, was the claim that a child needed to be in school starting at age two, by age three too much had been missed. Oh it was delightful. But the conversations were just what Druckerman describes in her book. She explains that American mothers worry their children won't receive the attention or pressure necessary to succeed unless we create these situations for them. And it's true we do worry. But that French parents let their children be, sure that living and exploring the world around them will provide them with the necessary learning opportunities.
The Mommy Wars was just a small part of the book, there rest focused on the habits of french children and it was fascinating. After listening to the book every trip to the park has been an opportunity to observe american parenting.
For example, Druckerman talks about how American parents cater to their child's every perceived need. Instead of letting them express these needs themselves we swoop in and suggest a need. We mediate situations long before the child requires our intervention. She uses several examples, one is at the park. She describes American moms as on the playground with their children, hefting huge diaper bags filled with every snack known to man along with a change of clothes, rainboots, and toys, and she says the moms often leave the playground more exhausted than the kids. After a few recent trips to the park I can affirm this is true. I watched my friends arrive with heavy diaper bags, more suited for a trans-Atlantic plane flight than a 2 hour trip to the park. I watched (and participated myself) as friends narrated their child's entire park experience, even getting on the equipment to assure the child that they in fact are having a good time. I watched as parents fought their children's battles. Instead of letting Sally ask Timmy for a turn on the swing, Sally's mother swooped in and did it for her. And in fact these moms (and sometimes me) leave the playground exhausted, kicking ourselves for suggesting an outing. As I listened to the book I tried to be aware of my own behavior and step back. How often did I step in unnecessarily, guide my kids through the park at the expense of their own exploring, or overplan for the day because I thought they required it? This step back has been a bit liberating. There's no need for my help at the park, for the most part they can do it themselves, yes I need to watch, but run along with them when they have each other and playground equipment... maybe not so much.
Druckerman tackles the every pressing question of sleep. And oh was I cringing as she talked about infant sleep. She talks about how french children "do their nights" (sleep through the night) much earlier than American children. As an american parent she is confused by this, she is dazed and in the fog of no sleep and screaming, and she had expected it would be this way as all her american friends had the same experience, but her french friends were well rested and happy. She talks about how American parents rush to their children at the first sound of distress. They attempt to solve their problems and eventually create children who cannot settle themselves back to sleep. Oh had I read this 4 years ago life would have been so different! Had I gone into Michael's infancy with the belief that he could learn to settle himself down things might have gone a bit better. I didn't, instead I rushed to him at the slightest sound, offering food, toys, hugs, and diaper change. He was... a horrible... horrible horrible sleeper as a result. Druckerman says that french parents employ a "pause" when helping young children, offering them the opportunity to settle themselves before the parent intervenes. Clearly, I didn't know about this when I had Michael. But Zach... well inadvertently we employed the french technique of "the pause" with Zachary. It was probably mostly because we were so busy messing with Michael and that he slept upstairs and I had to trek up there that he had to wait and learn to settle himself... and he can. He is and always has been a great sleeper. If this alone is an indication of the success of french parenting... well I am going to have to throw out everything I know and start from there.
The book is great (painful at times), covers a number of other topics, everything from food to discipline, and let's be honest it is a bit hilarious (especially if you are one of the semi neurotic american parents described).
For those lucky souls unfamiliar with this term let me offer a brief explanation. The Mommy Wars are basically an unspoken competition between mothers. The beginning of a recent Similac video says it all
Along those same lines I recently listened to the book Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman. I heard the review on NPR a few years ago and when it showed up at our library I snatched my chance to hear it. I will say that some books are better read than listened to, this one is a must listen if you get the chance. The narrators tone perfectly describes some of the more painful moments of motherhood. The book compares and contrasts french and american parenting, specifically the experience of middle to upper middle class mothers in both countries. It was a fascinating read.
Druckerman, an American mother living in Paris, notices that there is a difference in behavior between french and american children, and more than that, there is a difference between the way that french and american parents parent.
As part of this discussion she delves into the Mommy Wars. She explains that for American parents life is a competition. Parents want to make sure that their child has every advantage available to them, and one of the ways they do this is by competing with others. American parents worry about "stimulation" and academic success long before French parents do. As I was listening I was having painful recollections of my own experience as an american mother. Allow me to share just a few (of many). Last year, we started looking for a preschool for Michael, and I started asking around. It turns out almost every child I knew was enrolled in some type of formal preschool. Until a year ago I was pretty against preschool, but then, well let's just say preschool saved my sanity and my relationship with my child. So I started asking, and not only were the prices astronomical but the claims parents and school administrators were making were just outlandish. Some claimed that the child would learn a second language, be reading at a 1st grade level, etc. And people seemed to not only pay for this, but expect that it would come true. Parents in the park claimed that after a few months little Timmy was on his way to cure cancer (not really, but little Timmy was a genius). Parents with kids going to academically rigorous schools (seriously it's preschool, half the kids are in diapers) claimed that other children were behind based on their parent's preschool choice. There were waiting lists for these places... yes. And the best, was the claim that a child needed to be in school starting at age two, by age three too much had been missed. Oh it was delightful. But the conversations were just what Druckerman describes in her book. She explains that American mothers worry their children won't receive the attention or pressure necessary to succeed unless we create these situations for them. And it's true we do worry. But that French parents let their children be, sure that living and exploring the world around them will provide them with the necessary learning opportunities.
The Mommy Wars was just a small part of the book, there rest focused on the habits of french children and it was fascinating. After listening to the book every trip to the park has been an opportunity to observe american parenting.
For example, Druckerman talks about how American parents cater to their child's every perceived need. Instead of letting them express these needs themselves we swoop in and suggest a need. We mediate situations long before the child requires our intervention. She uses several examples, one is at the park. She describes American moms as on the playground with their children, hefting huge diaper bags filled with every snack known to man along with a change of clothes, rainboots, and toys, and she says the moms often leave the playground more exhausted than the kids. After a few recent trips to the park I can affirm this is true. I watched my friends arrive with heavy diaper bags, more suited for a trans-Atlantic plane flight than a 2 hour trip to the park. I watched (and participated myself) as friends narrated their child's entire park experience, even getting on the equipment to assure the child that they in fact are having a good time. I watched as parents fought their children's battles. Instead of letting Sally ask Timmy for a turn on the swing, Sally's mother swooped in and did it for her. And in fact these moms (and sometimes me) leave the playground exhausted, kicking ourselves for suggesting an outing. As I listened to the book I tried to be aware of my own behavior and step back. How often did I step in unnecessarily, guide my kids through the park at the expense of their own exploring, or overplan for the day because I thought they required it? This step back has been a bit liberating. There's no need for my help at the park, for the most part they can do it themselves, yes I need to watch, but run along with them when they have each other and playground equipment... maybe not so much.
Druckerman tackles the every pressing question of sleep. And oh was I cringing as she talked about infant sleep. She talks about how french children "do their nights" (sleep through the night) much earlier than American children. As an american parent she is confused by this, she is dazed and in the fog of no sleep and screaming, and she had expected it would be this way as all her american friends had the same experience, but her french friends were well rested and happy. She talks about how American parents rush to their children at the first sound of distress. They attempt to solve their problems and eventually create children who cannot settle themselves back to sleep. Oh had I read this 4 years ago life would have been so different! Had I gone into Michael's infancy with the belief that he could learn to settle himself down things might have gone a bit better. I didn't, instead I rushed to him at the slightest sound, offering food, toys, hugs, and diaper change. He was... a horrible... horrible horrible sleeper as a result. Druckerman says that french parents employ a "pause" when helping young children, offering them the opportunity to settle themselves before the parent intervenes. Clearly, I didn't know about this when I had Michael. But Zach... well inadvertently we employed the french technique of "the pause" with Zachary. It was probably mostly because we were so busy messing with Michael and that he slept upstairs and I had to trek up there that he had to wait and learn to settle himself... and he can. He is and always has been a great sleeper. If this alone is an indication of the success of french parenting... well I am going to have to throw out everything I know and start from there.
The book is great (painful at times), covers a number of other topics, everything from food to discipline, and let's be honest it is a bit hilarious (especially if you are one of the semi neurotic american parents described).
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