My sweet sister is getting married a week from tomorrow. I am beyond excited for her. As she has been preparing for this big day I have been trying to think of what I could say to her, and these are the things I came up with. Since she is well.. smart and not having anyone toast her, I will have to toast her on here. So here's my toast/advice
Em and Colin as you get married I have three pieces of advice for you. They may seem small and even ridiculous, but trust me, they are some of the best kept secrets for a happy marriage.
First, disagreements will arise. This is a dishwand. Brian and I have been arguing about the dishwand for the past 8 years. I think since the day we moved into our Wymount apartment.
If you have ever been to our house we have tried to pull you into our little disagreement, that is just how passionately we feel about it. See Brian thinks you should carefully place the dishwand cap side down in the drain of the sink so that an any soap that will inevitabley drain out during the night goes down the sink and you avoid a gooey mess. I think you should leave the sponge wherever the heck you want in the sink, any soap leakages can be quickly cleaned up, plus I'm the one that generally does the dishes so I want to do it my way. We have had the conversation about what to do with the dishwand a thousand times, it isn't going to be resolved anytime soon. We are both so entrenched in our positions that there's really no going back at this point. But here's the thing, we know the dishwand doenst matter. We agree on the important stuff- the Gospel, money, future goals, and how (generally) to raise our boys. Sure it is ridiculous to still be disagreeing about the dishwand but we are united on what counts. Make sure that you are united on the important things. Something like a dishwand is stupid, it will work itself out, and the reality is that it is just a harmless disagreement. You are two separate and independent people, you will have different ideas about things, and you will want to fight for them even if they are just insane. Make sure that when it matters you are together, and don't sweat it when 8 years later you still haven't solved the dishwand problem.
Second, when a disagreement arises, ask yourself, "Could my spouse possibly be hungry?'
Yes it sounds like you are dealing with a child, but really when people are hungry they tend to be a bit... well grumpy. Disagreements will escalate, become bigger than they need to be. So have a sandwich, a cookie, whatever, just eat something and regroup 15 minutes later. You will be amazed at the difference this makes. Food won't solve all your problems, but it may solve some. Apply this to other things, ask yourself are my spouse's daily needs met (think of a little kid) have they eaten and slept, is there anything stressing them out? If the answer is yes than see if there is a way for you to address them. A little but of concern for the other person's basic well being goes a long way, and you may find that you aren't actually the problem.
Third, you are different people. Because you are different people you will find yourself in conflict at times. Some things like the dishwand, are worth fighting for, but others just aren't worth the battle. Ask yourself if it is worth it, or if there is a solution that may lead to more harmony in your home. I have heard that the secret to a happy marriage is separate tubes of toothpaste, I wholeheartedly agree. This is a battle that is not worth fighting. Buy two tubes, you aren't less in love because you can't share, and you aren't saving money by sharing. Because you are different people you will have different preferences for certain things, some are worth adapting to another person, and some like the toothpaste aren't. Find out what is worth changing, and what is worth finding an alternative solution. Embrace the differences, but accept that some things about the other person will drive you crazy no matter how long you are married. Don't fight it- just buy two.
Oh and one more piece of advice for Colin- we all know Em is a bit... well wound up. Sometimes when she gets going on a rant it is ok to casually slip into the conversation (between the yelling) "Hey have you called your sister lately?" or "gee I wonder how your sister is doing?". That maybe be all it takes for her to take a breath and pick of the phone and rant to me. I've been the sounding board for a bit, trust me the yelling... no longer bothers me. Brian learned this early in our marriage. Sometimes Adawi girls just need to yell and let off some steam, it's ok to have them do it to each other while you quietly leave the room until the storm blows over.
So welcome to the married side of life guys, it really is great.
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